Collective Calls for Humans to “Share the Road”

By Mike Price Field Correspondent

In a shocking turn of events, animals worldwide have taken to roadways, creating massive blockades and bringing traffic to a standstill.  It appears that the tragic death toll caused by animal-vehicle collisions (AVCs) has pushed many species to their limit of tolerance.  The range of species involved and the international coordination of the blockades shows just how seriously they are taking the problem.

“Enough is enough,” says apparent spokes-animal Auro X (a nom de guerre). “This is not an animal problem – it’s a human problem. How many animals are run down by animal-drawn carts or pets behind the wheel, I ask you? We didn’t ask for this. Mostly we just wander around, minding our own business, and ‘bam,’ it’s lights out. Humans are just going to have to accept that they’re not the only ones using the roads.”

Declaring April 1 to be Animal Transportation Safety Day (ANTS), Stretch, a reticulated giraffe, admitted that while not many giraffes are run down by vehicles “united we stand. Hey,” she added, “an animal is an animal, no matter where or how you live.” However, not all seem to agree on next steps. Among Bovidae, sheep were promoting non-violence, while “Buff,” a bison, argued for a more direct approach. “Let’s take it to ‘em.”

Meanwhile, humans, seemingly caught unaware, are not just shocked but puzzled as to how this all came about. Dr. Hugh Lofting, professor of Animal Linguistics at Mount St Mary’s College, expressed not just amazement, but concern for the scale of events. “In all my years, never have I seen an animal, of any species, give an (intelligible) interview. But more disconcerting is that species world-wide seem to have been speaking to each other, and yet none has chosen to speak to me.”

Other responses have been more alarmed. An anonymous spokesperson for the World Highway Association for Transportation (WHAT), said that transportation agencies everywhere, while sympathetic to the animals impacted by AVCs, cannot allow the blockades to continue.  “If we let animals have their way… if we have to share the road, where will it end?” In response, Auro X said that if humans were truly concerned, these tactics would not be necessary. “I’m tired of all the head-butting over this. In the future, don’t be surprised by further disruptions.” Perhaps most poignantly, “Freckles,” a sweet little fawn, said, “Please, just give me a chance to be a buck…or a doe…whatever.  Don’t be an April fool.  Have a heart and slow down.”